A Coyote's Guide
Buddhist Computer Viruses


As a public service to Buddhists who use the Internet, I have compiled a brief description of several terrible computer viruses. These viruses have been around for thousands of years and remain undetectable even by the most sophisticated virus detection systems. These are particularly frightening viruses, since they are transmissible from machines to sentient beings and vice versa. (I regret to say that as a result of downloading this page, you now probably have several of these viruses.)

(often packaged in a seemingly innocuous file known as BHIKKHU.BUG): operates by giving ordination to your computer's CPU. While relatively harmless during the morning hours, this virus has the effect of making your computer refuse to intake or process any hard data after noon. (Female scholars need not be concerned about this virus, since female CPUs are not entitled to receive full ordination.)
systematically replaces all data on the hard drive by a bit having a value of not 1, not 0, not both 1 and 0 and not neither 1 nor 0. The screen goes entirely blank, and whenever the operator taps a key, an information box pops up saying, “There are no statements in this information box.”
is the only known computer virus that has no effect whatsoever on your software. It does, however, make all the hardware and peripheral devices disappear, and convinces the software that there is no real distinction between a computer program and the data it processes. One extreme version of this viral scourge (also known as SOFTWARE ONLY) has the effect of making your software believe that it is the only software in the universe.
attacks the computer's BIOS, causing the screen to emit a radiant clear light that beams directly into the operator's heart. The computer itself sustains no damage, but the operator's mind is transformed into mush with the inane message “The passions themselves are enlightenment. Misinformation itself is data.” The operator then is overwhelmed with a compulsive urge to upload billions of gigabytes worth of graphics displays of incomprehensible mandalas onto Web sites around the world, for the benefit of all sentient machines.
causes all sentient beings to be networked, all information to be replicated, and whenever any sentient being is removed from the network neither it nor its previous context can be said to exist. Rumor has it this was the by-product of a marketing slogan coined by a lama doing contract work for Sun Microsystems, “the network is the operator.” Once this virus has infected any machine, everything is instantly affected, and it is no longer possible to conceive of the universe in the absence of the virus.